Random Thoughts

December 2, 2006

Diary of a Snow Shoveler

Filed under: Uncategorized — doctorfeelgood @ 10:59 am

So I haven’t blogged for a month – I have been busy. Yikes!!!

Here is something my buddy Lawrence and his wife sent me (where they have no snow?):

December 8 - 6:00 PM It started to snow. The first snow of the season and
the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching
the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma
Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9 We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering
every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more
lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever
had! Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did
both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came
along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to
shovel again. What a perfect life!

December 12 The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment!
My neighbor tells me not to worry- we'll definitely have a white
Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so
much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I
don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our
neighbor.

December 14 Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature
dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my
breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This
is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything
again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but
I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish l wouldn't huff and puff
so.

December 15
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires
for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife
wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly.
We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16 Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the
driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour,
which I think was very cruel.

December 17 Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.
Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay
warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her.
Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I
hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own
living room.

December 20 Electricity's back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn
stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all day. The damn snowplow came by
twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too
busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store
around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have
another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to
shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22 Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches
of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt
till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel
and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed
again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his
truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the
asshole is lying.

December 23 Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife
wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she,
nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did
but I think she's lying.

December 24
6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought I
was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives
that snow plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him
to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and
waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a
100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight
the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our
presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow.

December 25 Merry f---ing Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop
tonight - Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I
hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and
I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad
attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A
Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26 Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all
HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27 Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came
after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace
all my pipes.

December 28 Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The BITCH is driving
me crazy!!!

December 29
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in.
That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30 Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he is
suing me for a million dollars, not only the beating I gave him, but also
for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home
to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.

December 31 I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8 Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep
giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

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1 Comment »

  1. I first read this many years ago and I laughed so hard my family thought I was nuts.
    I recently received this link in an email from a family member and I laughed like I did the first time. I can relate to everything about this mans experience like so many of us living in the snow belt.
    Thank you

    Comment by Amy Johnson — February 8, 2010 @ 9:57 am


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